


Disassociation

by Lunah_Peixvey



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Affection, Body Modification, Depression, Disassociation, F/M, I'm not romanticizing this, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Past body harm, This is from my personal experiance, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:06:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13028772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunah_Peixvey/pseuds/Lunah_Peixvey
Summary: Meenah's depressed and also dating Kankri. Has some left over issues from the game.





	Disassociation

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Writing Fanfic to cope with Depression in _my_ AO3? It's more likely than you think.

Her fingers ghosted over the scars peppering her body, all from her first death. She still remembered it, remembered that rust blood standing over her. Needles caked in her blood as her lungs filled up with fluid that she couldn’t breathe in, a rust blood standing over her victoriously as her chest heaved in vain attempts to get air through her punctured throat. She had felt vulnerable there. 

A shiver stole down her body as she looked at the sad remains of her gills. She remembered it, barely. Being only a tiny 5 sweep year old and not understanding why the pretty feathers on her gills needed to be sheared off. The fact that she couldn’t join the other finned violet blood in the water, or swim like she used to. How the corsets hurt more for months after it, pressing down on the gills now bared to the world. She had felt vulnerable there too.

She pinched her arm, waiting for the pain to register. It didn’t. She didn’t feel vulnerable now. She didn’t feel invincible either, or invulnerable. She just...didn’t feel.

Maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with her, maybe she just needed to stop being vulnerable. Fuchsia bloods shouldn’t be vulnerable, they need to lead people and they need to stand tall. Maybe they shouldn’t feel, maybe being numb was a good thing. Meenah slumped sideways on her bed, not bothering to pull the covers over her. Pink eyes started listlessly at the window, looking at the snow falling outside her window.

Her earfin twitched as she heard the bedroom door open, and footsteps grow closer, “Meenah?”

She didn’t reply, her hand curling up beneath her cheek.

A pressure came down on the other side of the bed, Kankri shifting onto the bed and leaving a foot of room between them, “Meenah, do you want to talk about it.”

Her earfin twitched again and she shook her head, shifting up in bed. Meenah pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “No.” Her voice was quiet, breathed out into the still air of the room. 

There was a pause of silence, and then Kankri shifted closer on the bed, rustling the covers, “May I hug you?”

Yet another pause, and Meenah nodded her head, “I would like that very much, Kankri.”

His warm arms moved around her, and she leaned against him. Resting her head against his chest, she could hear his heartbeat. Hot, fast, beating so rapidly Meenah was surprised that she couldn’t hear it all the time, “I’m always here for you, Meenah. Whenever you need me, I’m here for you.”

Meenah sighed and moved closer, murmuring out, “May I hug you back?”

Kankri nodded, “Yes, Meenah.” He adjusted his hold on her so she could move without jostling him.

Once she had his permission, Meenah shifted and curled around him. Legs looping over his waist and arms around his neck, she pressed her face into his neck and heaved out a breath. Being numb wasn’t good, being numb wasn’t bad either. Numbness is the grey area that she was tired of being in. Pain was bad, feelings could be good. She’d prefer either of them over the grey. She shifted to rest her earfin against his pulse point, letting the consistent beat-beat-beat of her matesprit’s heartbeat soothe her. “Kankri?” Her voice was still quiet, but it was stronger.

“Yes, love?” His voice was as calming as it always was, washing over her and giving her some peace. “What do you need to ask me?” Kankri rocked slightly with her in his lap, his hand starting to comb through her hair.

“I just,” A pause as she collected her thoughts. “Don’t understand why you deal with me like this?”

His fingers paused in her hair, “I don’t understand the question, dear. Why wouldn’t I…’deal with you’ as you so put it?” Kankri pulled back, cupping her cheeks with his hands, eyebrows furrowed in concern, “Meenah, love, you’re my matesprit. It’s not putting up with you, it’s being your lover, and it’s being a caring lover. You deserve to have someone who helps you through your depression, your low points and your high ones. Meenah, you deserve to have someone who understand that you can’t control your feelings, and is willing to help you through all of it. It isn’t dealing with you at all Meenah, it’s just me, caring about you. I’m your matesprit, Meenah, and I want you to know that you can trust me for anything. I’m not going to run from you because you’re dealing with your depression. I’m not going to run, period.” He rubbed his thumbs across her cheek bones and leaned to press his forehead against hers. 

Meenah’s breath hitched and her gills trembled as she leaned into his touch, “You’re so…” A pause as she sank further into his touch, “I love you, Kankri Vantas, how did I end up with you?” Her own hands moved into his hair, tugging lightly at it, “Perfect, you’re nothing short of perfect.” Meenah could feel his lips open to protest, so she shook her head, “For me. Perfect for me, you’re the perfect guy, for me. You don’t have to be perfect, but you are.” Her eyes fluttered open and she stared into his eyes, “May I kiss you?”

Kankri nodded, hands moving down to her shoulders, “Yes, I’d like that very much.” He tilted his head forward and connected their lips, slowly stroking her shoulders.


End file.
